In the heterosexual dating world, usually, there are two different kinds of pressure women and men tend to experience. Women feel pressure to be, as in be pretty, be nice, be thin etc. — the traits women are supposed to have are seen as somewhat intrinsic to their being, or as something they statically on display. Whereas, men often feel pressure to do, as in, make the first move, be funny, etc — they’re more performance based traits. Even many of the things that men are expected to be like be rich are actually performance based (aka, perform well at work to become rich.) The only intrinsic trait we really expect men to be in the dating world is to be tall (and, for the record, it’s a super shitty expectation because it’s so unchangeable.)

In the D/s world, though, we also have expectations of d-types and s-types, and roughly speaking, s-types end up mirroring the more female role, in that they’re expected to be, and d-types end up mirroring the more male role, where they’re expected to do. My understanding, for instance, in gay male D/s porn (which I don’t watch but did ask one friend about once) is that the submissive partner is generally expected to be more conventionally attractive, and possibly younger, than the dominant partner, but obviously, the dominant partner has to be skilled and know what he’s doing. That does seem to be reflected in the straight maledom/femsub D/s community as well, but of course, underlying gender is still a thing there, so hard to disentangle what is what.

Thing is, in Femdom, female dominants are both expected to be and do. We’re expected to still conform to the conventional attractiveness expectations that are placed on women in modern society, but then we also are the ones who experience all the performance pressure in scenes as well. And, you might think that there may be less pressure to be pretty in Femdom vs vanilla dating, but that hasn’t been my experience. If anything, when I’m dating in D/s, I tend to feel more pressure to present physically a certain way than I do in vanilla dating, because many submissive men I’ve dated have been heavier consumers of porn than vanilla men I’ve dated.

And, if you look at Femdom porn (which is mostly aimed at submissive men) you can see this dynamic clearly as well. At least, I think you can; I never watch it myself. But, my understanding of Femdom porn, is the woman both has to be hot and do all the work, whereas often the man doesn’t even have to be that attractive (in fact, I think frequently his face is covered up or he tends to be hooded? Again, I don’t watch it much myself, it’s too off putting.)
So, when you begin to understand this, you begin to understand why there are fewer female dominants, and why many of us that exist can often start experiencing burn out.

But! There’s another side to this as well, which is, as hard as this is for female dominants, I believe it is equally difficult for male submissives. And, the reason is, while dommes may burn out and drop out of the scene, for male subs, there is literally nothing they can do to attract a female dominant. Male submissives can end up feeling helpless and depressed, because they want a certain relationship dynamic, and it seems like there’s just nothing they can do to get it to happen. Does their hotness matter? Are there tasks they can perform to attract a domme? Who knows? There is no cultural understanding of what female dominants may want, so straight man-subs are left without a compass.

So, what to do, what to do?

On the domme side, I think it’s really important to select submissives who are body positive in order to relieve yourself of some of this “being” pressure. I remember, when I was in my 20s, my “submissive” looking over my body, and telling me to lose weight in certain areas (like my tummy) and put it on in other areas (like my ass and boobs.) On top of that being impossible, it really fucked with me, and I felt terrible about myself. (Incidentally, that was the relationship that preceded a decade-long drop out of the scene; that type of body judgement is horrible to experience, and I’d rather die alone than have someone treat me like that again.)

Nowadays, I actually have a pretty easy filter around this; I don’t shave if I’m seeking new partners. In general, I feel I can get a pretty good sense of how much pressure someone’s going to put on me to be conventionally attractive by how they react to my not shaving. I also try not to like, “dress domme” or even too feminine on the first few dates. While I like getting girly sometimes, I dislike feeling constant pressure to have to uphold that image in a relationship, and an easy filter for that is to not try to impress anyone too hard with my physical appearance early on.

Conversely, on the submissive side… I think a lot of male subs really need to consider the double standard they uphold. Not all of them, of course. But. A large number of man-subs seem to be just absolutely craving someone to accept their counter cultural desires. So many of them feel rejected, or “less than” or something because of their desires, and they so, so badly want to find someone who is going to accept this side of them.

Then, you show up, and you’re like “I’ll accept you! I think your desire to be submissive, your need to be vulnerable, or hurt, or bound, or whatever your specific thing is, I think it’s fucking wonderful!”

And they look at you and respond, “but wait, why u no look like lady in the porn?”

So. My theory on this, is that for many men in Western society, they are seen as having more value when they have a conventionally attractive partner. Imagine, if you will, a highly conventionally unattractive man — I’m not going to body shame by listing specific features, just in your mind, picture a man who you think would be at the bottom of the dating totem pole in the eyes of society. Now, imagine a super model walking over to him, and kissing him on the lips.
Has his “unattractive” image not just been completely redeemed? No matter how conventionally unattractive a man, we will tend to see him as having worth if he is with a highly conventionally attractive woman

So, my theory on what is happening here, is many submissive men who have not reached the point of self acceptance on their desires, are craving a very conventionally attractive woman to validate them in the eyes of society. Yes, their desires may not be respected in the mainstream world, but having a hot female partner? That will get them respect.

Problem is, this is a completely unsustainable foundation for a relationship, because it is very asymmetric. These same men who are craving this acceptance for the ways they fail to conform to societal norms are not willing to accept women who fail to conform to societal norms in analogous ways. Again, not all male subs are like this, but many of them are. In particular, male subs who are very comfortable with their desires, or otherwise highly countercultural (aka, have “fuck the man and his oppressive norms” vibes) tend to not act this way. Newer subs, younger subs, and subs who otherwise feel very strongly they need to present the “right” image to the world, I think, are more likely to want a partner who presents conventionally.

And like… in the long run, it’s not just possible to be happy having to give empathy, and care, and acceptance to someone who is rejecting and judging you. It burns you right out.

So, obviously, self acceptance ends up being an important element here. But, another helpful point here, is to consciously choose the type of pressure you want to have in the relationship. One of the cool things about straight Femdom, like in queer relationships, is when the default gender roles start breaking down, you get to choose which ones you want to take on.

For me personally, I really dislike the pressure to “be” as in, “be pretty, be sexy, etc.” However, I don’t mind pressure to “do” as much. Like, if I’m with someone who has a specific kink, I’m totally down to take a class in like, electrocuting testicles or whatever, but if someone asks me to shave I’m going to get pissed off. That said, some dommes may like dressing up, but if you ask them to do a shibari suspension they’ll tell you it’s too much work.

Similarly, for male submissives, I think they should consider, what type of sub they want to be. Are they a service sub who can fix things? Give massage? Or, do they want to be some hot arm candy? If you want to be arm candy, better fucking work it by the way. Conventional attractiveness is expensive in time and money, and while it’s generally not worth it IMO, if it’s your path? More power to you.

Anyway; as in all things, when you fully understand the problem, solutions begin to present themselves. But, I think many of the underlying gender dynamics in Femdom are invisible to all parties, and while they’re invisible, they’ll end up trapping you. Awareness is the way out.