The first step in deciding your role, is to define the Roles.

Submissive (sub): An individual who seeks to relinquish authority, either partially or fully, to a Dominant partner. Some may submit only in specific situations, while others may desire complete submission in their relationship or lifestyle.

* Please note the key phrase here is “seeks to relinquish authority”.
If you just want to be pegged, if you just want to “be in chastity to her”, well, these things do not fall under the definition of “to give up control of themselves”. Those are activities you want to take part in, and that is OK. But you should use the proper terminology to prevent confusion and to prevent wasting your time (and others).

If you want things done to you, you are a “bottom”.
Bottom: The individual who receives the action from a Top.

If you want to get pegged, if you want to be on your hands and knees and humiliated, if you want to be whipped, you are a “bottom”. You want to receive some action.
This does not make you a submissive.

A submissive gives up authority and decision making. So a bedroom submissive would do whatever the Dominant wants to do in the “bedroom”. This could mean, nothing. They might do nothing. This could mean you hold her while she masterbates and then you both go to sleep. This could mean she tells you to fuck her, so you climb aboard and do that. The thing one does is not what makes one a submissive. Giving her the authority to decide what happens, that is what being a submissive is. Taking joy in doing what she says, makes you a submissive.

Why are you confused? Most likely you are confused because you have watched femdom porn and you have seen some things and now you think those things make people “submissive” and “Dominant”. But they don’t. They usually make a “bottom” and the woman, a “service top”.

Still confused? Read this… Are you a submissive? Or a bottom?

Then what is the difference between a “Dominant”, a “top”, and a “service top”?
Dominant (Dom/Domme/Domina): A person who exercises control in a D/s relationship. The gender-neutral term is Dom, while Domme or Domina can be used for females.

This differs from a Top, who takes control within a scene but may not be a Dominant

Top: The person delivering sensation, such as administering pleasure or pain through various means.
So, a “top” does the action. Then what is a “service top”?
Service Top: A Top who operates under the direction of the bottom, either by following explicit instructions or by having the freedom to shape the scene while prioritizing the bottom’s desires. The defining aspect of service topping is the intent to fulfill the bottom’s requests as a form of “service,” whether determined beforehand or during the scene.

As one can see, a “service top” is VERY different from a “Dominant”. A Dominant is in control and makes the decisions. A “service top” does what the bottom wants to make them happy. In D/s, the submissive serves the Dominant. Whereas a service top is serving the bottom.

If your ever wrote a message to a Dominant that sounded like: “This is what I want you to do to me.” Or “This is what I want to do to you.” (Like giving oral, many men want to perform oral on a woman. ) You most likely got a negative reply or no reply at all. Because you asked a Dominant to serve you. (Yes, telling a person you want to give the oral is asking for a service.) And we don’t like that. It is the opposite of what we like. and after 50-100 of those messages, we tend to get snarky.

If this sounds like you, it is not dominance you seek. You are looking for a top. AND THAT IS OK. But you need to change your vocabulary and the women you are approaching. It is perfectly OK to want a top. But that is not Power Exchange.  That is kinky sex.

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