Types of D/s Relationships
TAT? PAT? FLR? 24/7? What is everyone talking about?
OK. You have read and you have decided you really are Dominant or submissive, you are not just a top or bottom. Now what? Can any submissive be compatible with any Dominant? Can you start writing people who look good and letting them know their troubles are over because you are here!?
No.
There are still some things you need to figure out about yourself before you can find a compatible partner.
And one of those things is… what type of relationship are you looking for?
How “intense” do you want your dynamic to be?
Let’s look at some types from least intensive to most…
BEDROOM ONLY (or Dungeon Only)
You understand that being dominant is to have the authority (some call it control) and you think this is what you want, in the bedroom, and the bedroom only.
As a submissive, maybe you are tired of all the pressure being on you to perform in bed. You have to figure out what she wants, what she likes, and it is frustrating. You just want to please her, not figure out how!
But, you don’t want to follow her orders around the house and you don’t want to follow her around like a puppy at the grocery store. You want to be the same person you have always been in most places in the world, except, during kinky fun time. That is a time you want to let go and let someone else be in charge and even use your body for their own pleasure.
Or as a Dominant, you want what you want in the sack and you are tired of guys not getting it right. You want to take the lead. You want to just SAY “Touch me here!” or “Too fast! Slow down.” or “Drop to your knees and lick.” Or maybe you just want to play with their body like a toy. You want to spank it or whip it or stick things in the butt. But once sexy fun time is over, you don’t want to be in charge of another person. You want a :vanilla” life with some D/s in the bedroom.
This means you are a “bedroom” Dominant or sub.
Fun!
And what this means is that you are looking for a bedroom dynamic. So, it is best not to go into “FLR” groups or “Femdom Marriage” groups and ask the Dominants (or subs) there to be your partner. They are not interested in what you are looking for. Better to know now and leave well enough alone.
Authority Transfer/ Power Exchange (PE)
Power Exchange (A controversy)
Power Exchange is defined as a consensual and voluntary agreement in which one or more individuals assume authority while one or more others yield authority, either for a set duration or indefinitely.
So what is the controversy?
Some people don’t think that this kind of relationship is an “exchange”, they consider it a “transfer”. They use the term Authority Transfer.
It doesn’t matter which term you use, like all terms in kink, when it comes down to actually discussing these things, you have to define what you are talking about.
Total Authority Transfer (TAT) / Total Power Exchange (TPE)
Authority Transfer relationships usually extend beyond the bedroom. The transfer can be partial (PAT) or total (TAT).
Partial Authority Transfer (PAT) is a term not used as often as Total Authority Transfer (TAT) and many people may not know the term, but they are very familiar with the concept.
TAT usually refers to a long-term or indefinite power exchange relationship. The key aspect of power exchange is the intentional creation of a structured dynamic where at least one person exerts psychological control over another to a mutually agreed extent. “Total” implies all the time and in all situations, whereas “partial” implies to a lesser extent. However, as you can see from the definition of TAT, “exerts psychological control over another to a mutually agreed extent “. It doesn’t say “forever and everywhere”, it says to what is agreed upon. So, in essence, PAT and TAT are used to mean the same thing.
Which is why I say it again, one needs to define terms when discussing things.
OK! I Got It! TAT, PAT, PE… But wait?!
What is a FLR? (And yes, the term is also controversial.)
A FLR is a “Female Led Relationship” and is a style of dynamic in which the woman takes a dominant role, while the submissive partner willingly embraces a more supportive position. This structure can influence various aspects of life, including decision-making, household management, sexual dynamics, and financial or emotional responsibilities.
In an FLR, the female partner typically holds greater authority, with her preferences and decisions taking priority. The submissive partner consents to and finds fulfillment in supporting her leadership, whether through adherence to her guidance, rules, or expectations. The structure and intensity of an FLR can vary, ranging from formalized power exchange rituals to a more subtle emphasis on female leadership in specific areas of the relationship.
An FLR can be “vanilla” or kinky. Vanilla FLRs are fairly common. We often hear terms like “hen-pecked” or “pussy-whipped” to describe the man, and “bossy” or “overbearing” to describe the woman. But those labels demonstrate ignorance of the realities of an FLR. In a healthy FLR, like in any healthy relationship, both partners are being fulfilled and getting what they need out of the relationship. The differences between a “vanilla” FLR and a “kinky” FLR is simply that in a kinky FLR, the dynamic has been explicitly discussed, agreed upon, and acknowledged between the partners. It doesnt necessarily mean there is any BDSM or kinky sex going on. It is the fact that it has been discussed and consent has been given, that makes it “kinky”.
And why is the term “FLR” controversial?
If you read the definition for FLR and then for TAT, you will notice they are basically the same thing except, FLR emphasizes the fact that the Dominant is a female. Some women like this label as it is an easy way, especially online, to let people know that they are female. Others feel that TAT says all that needs to be said. There really is no label of “Male Led Relationship” as it is the default. People who do not like the label FLR feel that the gender of the people involved do not need to be in the label, and simply being TAT is enough.
There is also another controversy that I helped stir up. (I tend to be “problematic” for some people.)
Many dominant women on fet explained that they were in a FLR and it did not mean they had any kinky sex, or in fact, any sex at all. The point of their relationship was that it is female led and not necessarily “kinky” at all. And when others brought up kinky sex, they were scolded by these women.
So, I found the term “Female Dominated Relationship” which I defined (with the help of Chatpt) as a more explicit dominance and submission dynamic. In an FDR, the female partner is positioned as the dominant figure, exercising control and authority over certain aspects of the relationship. This involves the “led” part of a FLR but also includes BDSM and kinky sex elements, such as (but not necessarily) bondage, pegging, CFnm and sadomasochism, depending on the preferences and agreements of the partners involved.
Are TAT and FLR the same thing?
Maybe yes. Maybe no. It depends on the individuals and what they are doing.
A FLR is a Female Led RELATIONSHIP. Emphasis on the RELATIONSHIP. It is a relationship that the woman is leading.
A TAT doesn’t necessarily have to be a “relationship”. It could be purely service or sexual. The Dominant commands the submissive what to do and can do that at any time, 24/7, but they don’t have a loving relationships and the Dominant doesn’t make life choices for their submissive. It is more about “dominating” and less about “leading”.
TAT is considered “kinky” where an FLR is not necessarily so, but often is.
So yes, people can have a TAT that is a FLR.
Remember, labels are a tricky thing and the best thing to do is communicate with your people and explain exactly what you mean, so you are all on the same page. It doesn’t matter if your definitions do not directly line up with the ones listed here. What matters is that everyone involved are using the same meanings for the same terms.
OK. I Got It! So… is an FLR the same thing as a D/s?
At its core, a Female-Led Relationship (FLR) is simply a consensual power arrangement in which the woman takes the leadership role across aspects of life—whether daily decisions, finances, household management, or broader relationship direction. Importantly, FLRs span a spectrum from completely “vanilla” dynamics (no explicit kink at all) to those that overlap with more obvious femdom practices. In many households, it’s quite common for partners to joke about the wife being “the boss,” yet never formally label or discuss it. Once a couple verbally agrees—perhaps during an open conversation—to let the woman lead, that “established FLR” becomes part of their identity, even if it involves no overtly sexual or BDSM‐style activities at all. Thus, you could have a deeply respectful, non‐kinky FLR where the husband always defers to his wife on decisions, chores, and routines—something he might happily demonstrate in front of their children without embarrassment.
In contrast, D/s (Dominance and Submission) refers specifically to a kink‐driven power exchange that is usually (though not always) sexual in nature. While D/s can influence day‐to‐day life, it often centers on eroticized rituals, safewords, impact play, restraint, or other BDSM‐related practices. For example, a D/s couple might establish private protocols—one partner calling out a title like “Sir” or “Mistress,” or engaging in collars, cuffs, or other physical symbols of power. These dynamics typically remain “behind closed doors,” as many participants view them as inherently sexual or fetishistic. Even if a D/s relationship includes non‐sexual elements (such as a sub performing chores to feel humiliated or serve the Domme), the essence of D/s is a stylized, intentionally eroticized hierarchy that often requires explicit negotiation of limits, aftercare, and privacy.
In short, the key difference lies in scope and intent: FLR is first and foremost a relationship structure—potentially entirely vanilla—that designates a woman as the leader. D/s is a kink‐specific framework that emphasizes a negotiated, eroticized power exchange. While a given FLR may incorporate D/s elements (making it a “kinky FLR”), they are not synonymous. A couple might live in a non‐kinky FLR and share decision‐making at home without any BDSM, whereas a D/s couple might engage in elaborate scenes of dominance and submission that never extend into their everyday, public routines. Understanding this distinction helps partners communicate effectively—defining whether they simply prefer a female‐led partnership in daily life, or seek a more overtly sexual, ritualized D/s experience.
24/7? Is that a real thing?
Who can live in a D/s 24/7?! What about work? About about family?
Those types of questions can be answered by a simple explanation.
The answer is yes. 24/7 is a real thing. I am a Dominant 24/7. I own my boi and have authority over him 24/7.
Does this mean he is locked in a cage in the dungeon 24/7? No. A big no.
I am his Dominant when he is at work. I am his Dominant when the kids are around. I am his Dominant 24/7.
Being his Dominant means I have authority over him. I CAN tell him what to do. I make decisions and he follows those decisions. But being his Dominant means making decisions and choices that are best for us and him trusting me to do that.
This means, I don’t show up at his work and tell him how to do his job. I have no idea how to do his job. I trust him to get the job done and come home safely to me.
Being a responsible dominant means I don’t direct him to do anything sexual or disturbing in front of the kids or anyone else. I don’t want child services knocking on the door. I am a smart Dominant, not an idiot egomaniac.
I still have the authority over him, I just use that authority wisely. My directions are “Go to work. Drive there safely. Text me when work is finished and ask if I need anything before you head home. Drive safely home to me.”
He is under those directions for the day, the rest he can manage on his own. He eats lunch at lunch time, he pees when he has to pee, he does whatever the heck it is he does at work, and then he comes home to me.
If you are a parent, you are still a parent even when the child is in school, even when you are sick, even when you are on vacation. No one would think to ask “Are you the parent 24/7?!”
That is a crazy question OF COURSE you are a parent 24/7. You are a spouse 24/7. So, yes, you can be a Dominant or submissive 24/7.
People have a hard time understanding and they confuse a power dynamic for kinky play. They assume a power dynamic is all pegging and bondage and chastity cages and humiliation.
It’s not.
FOR MOST KINKSTERS, kinky play is like sex for vanilla people. Of course you do it, but at the appropriate time and place.
Notice the bold above. I say “MOST KINKSTERS” because there are actually couples who live hard core kink, 24/7. But that takes time, money, dedication, and privacy. Most of us don’t have all of those things all at the same time.