Musings on Femdom and how the dynamic is either male centric or female centric…
by River_Felix

This has been on my mind now for going on a few months and I wanted to break it down a bit for those exploring femdom and not quite understanding how to connect with a domme or why it’s challenging to create a lasting dynamic.

The main thing dommes run into, which tends to be exhausting to explain to newbies, is that femdom porn is focused on male pleasure. Mainly because men are the major consumers of porn so the common idea of femdom that you’ll find online is a submissive man being the recipient of pleasure/pain/tasks. This version of femdom centers around the fantasy of men. In a nutshell, the fantasy is that the woman derives pleasure from seeing men suffer and thefore she is sexually satisfied by their act of submission and ALLOWING things to hapen to them. While there are women who will enjoy this to a degree on its own, it leaves a lot to be desired from dommes who derive pleasure from service. Being a passive submissive is not generally enciting to me. What I mean by passive is that you (as the sub) are not the one actively participating to the pleasure of the domme.

As an example I will use a very common occurrence in my experience when I’m being “courted” by a sub. Upon approaching, the sub says, “Use me, do whatever you want to me.” In my mind, this translates into, “I want to sit back and have you do all the work.” This isn’t what I want personally and I think it leaves some men quite confused. In their mind, they’re practicing submission… right? If the dommes kink is free use, this could definitely be appealing. But if their kink isn’t… then it’s a huge turn off. Searching for a dominant woman to ‘use you’ is essentially saying you want her to put on a show for you. That doesn’t sound very dominant, now does it? It actually translates a lot more to wanting a sexy maid, nurse or mother archetype to fulfill the fantasies of the submissive. This version of femdom is male centric.

Now let’s talk about this scenario if it were female centric instead?
A potential sub would approach and ask, “How can I be of service? My pleasure is your pleasure and I surrender myself to you to act out your will.” In this scenario, the submissive is surrendering his pleasure for the sake of the domme. This could mean following orders, but it could also mean simply focusing his energy on doing anything and everything that would please his domme even if it goes directly against his own pleasure.

I remember my first sub, I beat him with a riding crop multiple times after failing to obey a command and he said he did not enjoy the pain. However, he enjoyed enduring it for me because he knew I enjoyed the punishment. I didn’t enjoy the punishment solely because of sadism or a desire for impact play, I enjoyed the punishment because of his willingness to be penitent. It was a feedback loop. He disappointed me, therefore he was disappointed in himself. I punished him to reinforce that his behavior was not acceptable and the punishment was not enjoyable, but in the end, the punishment pushed him deeper into subspace because he wanted to allow me to enact my will. His desire to surrender himself to me was greater than his desire not to feel pain. This type of dynamic is the kind that LASTS and evolves because it isn’t centered around only physical actions but mentally and emotionally reinforced through a true desire to please me.

In this second example, the domme is not his sexy maid/mom/nurse. The domme is his Queen, his Goddess, that he honors in any and every way. She is placed on a pedastal. This isn’t about misandry or female supremacy, it is about your true desire to put her there because she has earned your submission.

In short, if you’re an aspiring sub, stop thinking about finding a lifestyle domme that’s going to do things to and for you. If that’s what you want, SEE A PRODOMME, it is their profession to be your fantasy. You pay for them to offer you a male centric experience. There’s nothing wrong with wanting this kinky experience; however, you’re unlikely to find it with a lifestyle domme.
This isn’t to say that lifestyle dommes don’t want you as their plaything, but that should be secondary to the dynamic and not primarily what is sought after.

There are many elements to the relationship between domme/sub, but often it is broken down into simply the erotic. I can say that initially, I was also quite captivated by the erotic. Slowly I began to be enticed by the visceral and matriarchal elements and now I’m deeply enticed by the mental and emotional element. I see how the journey can start for many male subs with the focus on the erotic… and that’s why I’m writing this. There’s more… there’s honestly so much more. And you won’t get to experience the “MORE” part until you expand your mind past the erotic. I can genuinely say that I’m still on the lookout for that submissive who truly wants to explore this lifestyle with me… but he needs to be open to growth and have a fundamental understanding that submission isn’t passive and it isn’t just obedience.

All dynamics are different, especially if there’s a romantic element to it; however, assuming this is solely about BDSM, consider how you are fulfilling your dominants needs, rather than wishing she will fulfill yours.