Another controversy! How should you tell your vanilla partner you want a female led relationship?
If you ask this question on Fetlife you may get a lot of pushback. There will be:
Accusations – “You should have told her on the first date!”
Questions – “Why did you date a vanilla person when you knew you were kinky?!”
Projections – “You can’t force people to be kinky!”

Basically, yes, of course it is easier to start off kinky, thus avoiding this awkward conversation. But some of us (like myself) didn’t know we were kinky or what we were into until it was too late and we were life-deep into a serious relationship.


So, here is my best advice for letting your significant other know that you are kinky and you want to add femdom into your life:

Do not engage in kink yet
If you have not started exploring on your own, don’t. Not yet.
You can read about it. Try and learn about it, but don’t do it.
Right now you are a person thinking about something you are interested in. It is very natural to be in a relationship, have a new desire, and share it with your partner. Then you discuss it together and decide how to proceed.

It is more difficult when:
1. You say: “I have been keeping this secret from you for a decade and I am ready to come clean.”
NOW this is a discussion on keeping secrets and not trusting each other and laying guilt. This is a much harder sentiment to receive from a loving partner than just… “I saw this thing and I am interested in trying this thing.”

2. If you have been looking on line and talking to other people about this.
Now they are going to feel betrayed and like you don’t trust them. Your partner will be hurt you turned away from them and towards other people.

3. If you have played with others, online or irl.
This is straight up cheating. And some kinksters think they can have their “loving” relationship at home and still get their jollies elsewhere. This doesn’t work.
A. You are not going to get this “out of your system”. The more you do, the deeper you are going to get.
B. You could bring home a disease
C. You are ripe for blackmail and extortion
D. You might catch feelings for a partner and then… well, then things get really complicated
E. You will get caught. Right now, if you ended your relationship, there are no “bad guys”. There are just 2 people with irreconcilable differences. BUT if you cheat and get caught, now there is a bad guy. You could lose more in the divorce. You could lose access to your children. You could lose family and friends as the narrative changes from “We have different needs and wants.” to “He is a cheating asshole who is into disgusting things.”

With that most important piece of advice, here are some ways to help introduce the topic of femdom to your partner:

1. Have an open-ended
Sit down in a relaxed moment and ask permission to share something personal you’ve been reflecting on. Like any important life decision. make it clear you’re sharing because you care about they and your future together.

2. Open the communication door gently.
Write down the questions you imagine your partner might have. “Why do I want spanking?” “Will it harm our family life?”, and prepare honest, non-threatening answers. Then invite your partner to read them when they are calm, framing it as exploring a shared puzzle, rather than making demands. If they feel safe asking “What exactly do you want from this?” you’ll be closer to mutual understanding. 

Once they have had time to think, explain the emotional core of D/s for you: not just erotic play, but the comfort of surrendering control to someone you deeply trust. Avoid overwhelming specifics; instead invite questions: “Would you want to understand more about how this fits into who I am?”.
 I gave my husband the book “When someone you love is kinky” by Dossie Easton. I made sure I read it first so I could anticipate questions. and I let him know I was open to discussing it and answering any questions. (In a calm, non-defensive, non-evasive way.)

3. Acknowledge your needs—and your partner’s boundaries.
Before you talk, write down your nonnegotiable needs (e.g., occasional impact play or defined scenes) versus negotiable wants (specific toys or protocols). Share that list as something you’ve thoughtfully prepared. This shows respect for their boundaries and for your own core needs, and makes the conversation less abstract.

Femdom is part of your sexual orientation, just as someone else’s might be vanilla only. Accept that your partner may never “catch the femdom bug,” and that’s not a moral failing on either side. It’s simply a compatibility issue in your erotic wiring. At the same time, honor your own authentic desires rather than pretending they don’t exist.

4.  Use analogies from your vanilla life.
Describe femdom as you would a new sex position: “Imagine if I asked you to try doggy-style for the first time, how would you want me to introduce it?” This reframing can help them see your needs as just another facet of your shared intimacy, rather than an alien lifestyle.

5. Frame it as a compliment to her natural leadership.
Start by noticing and praising moments when she spontaneously takes charge in everyday life: choosing a restaurant, planning a trip, or directing a household task. You might say, “I love how confident you are when you decide our plans. It really turns me on when you take the lead.” This plants the seed that you find her authority attractive, without plunging into kinky jargon.

6. Test the waters with low-stakes “service.”
Offer to massage her feet after a long day or ask her to pick your outfit. Frame it playfully: “Would you mind deciding what I wear tonight?” or “I’m going to kneel and pamper you, just tell me how.” If she enjoys this little power exchange, you’ll gain confidence that deeper exploration might follow.

7. Move forward one “dance step” at a time.
Every relationship is a learning dance. If they are receptive, gradually introduce more elements, perhaps a blindfolded touch game or a mild flogging, always checking in: “Did that feel okay?” If they balk, pause, listen to their concerns, and reassure them that you value their comfort above all. If they gently decline, respect that boundary fully and revisit later only if and when, they expresses curiosity.

8. Create small, collaborative experiments.
If they are willing to “dabble,” start with very low-threshold activities, a feather tickler rather than metal clamps, a gentle hand-spanking rather than full scenes. Let them see that your kink play can coexist with tenderness, humor, and mutual respect. Celebrate even tiny steps of curiosity or participation.

9. Plan for emotional wriggle room.
Whenever you feel pangs of guilt, wishing for a play partner or fantasizing about a scene, remind yourself that your sexuality isn’t a betrayal of your marriage. Journaling or talking with a kink-friendly therapist can help you manage those feelings without acting on them secretly.

10. Explore consensual alternatives.
If your partner ultimately opts out, you may choose to find a trusted play partner outside the marriage, with clear, transparent agreements and, ideally, their full knowledge and support. Honesty will spare you the worst pangs of conscience and help protect your family life.

No single strategy works for everyone, but by combining gentle communication, real-world analogies, and small shared experiments, you can honor both your BDSM orientation and the vanilla foundation of your marriage. That balance, to respect their limits while refusing to deny your own, may not be easy, but it is the most authentic path forward.