Often submissives say they want to “serve” a Dominant. But do they really?
Do they know what “service” is?
Most often the answer is no. No, they do not.
The majority of men come to femdom via porn. And in porn, subs “serve” their “goddess” through sexual means. And this usually means:
– Pussy worship (which usually means giving oral sex)
– Body worship
– Face sitting
– Pegging
– Being locked is cages (both chastity and full body ones)
And
– “Letting” the Dominant “do whatever they wish” to their body

But I have bad news for these submissives. This may be what YOU think serving is, but odds are, this is not what your future Dominant considers service.

Here is a list of types of service a Dominant may require:

Domestic & Household Services
* General chores: cleaning, dishes, laundry, home organizing
* Meal prep & kitchen: cooking, shopping for groceries, ordering food, tea/coffee service
* Errands & miscellaneous: messenger/errand runs, fetching printouts/drinks/medications, opening jars/doors, carrying bags
* Property upkeep: gardening, weeding, lawn mowing, snow removal, yard service, handyman tasks, equipment care (rope, bootblacking, leather care)

Personal Care & Grooming
* Spa & salon: massages, manicures, pedicures, nail decorating, waxing, makeup, hair brushing
* Hygiene & dressing: washing her hair/body, shaving her legs, help her with dressing

Public or Social
* Attending events or munches in a specific role or with behavioral expectations
* Helping the Dominant socially (carrying things, introductions, supporting status)
* Serving the Dominant at buffets or family style restaurants or gatherings

Objectification
* Serving as human furniture, like a foot stool or chair
* Posing motionlessly as a piece of art during parties or just at home
* Keeping up appearances to be as attractive as possible on her arm as eye candy
* Wearing clothing and other apparel the dominant has chosen

Transportation & Safety
* Driving: chauffeur service, car maintenance
* Security: bodyguard, observe & anticipate, opening doors/pulling out chairs
* Emotional, Devotional & Companion Services
* Emotional support: active listening, hugs, affection, compliments, emotional check-ins
* Devotional/ritual: any type of devotion or ritual she prescribes
* “Pet” companion: comforting presence, carry bags, fetch things, “play”

Health & Wellness Support
* Medical assistance: dispensing medication, being her personal nurse when she doesn’t feel well
* Wellness tracking: track progress, provide reminders, hold accountability

Intellectual & Administrative Services
* Research & writing: research assistant, proofreading, transcribing, document creation
* Office tasks: filling out taxes/forms, financial planning/budgeting, scheduling appointments, travel planning, booking hotels/flights, making calls & reservations

Digital & Technical Services
* Content: video editing, social-media management, working on her website
* Tech support: troubleshooting video/sound systems, assisting with electronics

Crafting & Custom Projects
* DIY builds: making toys, home projects

Entertainment & Leisure
* Conversation: personal comedian, storytelling, chatting, deeper/intellectual conversation
* Play: performing arts, games

Financial
* Pay for dates, trips, activities you do together
* Pay for gifts or things she needs
* Ask for permission to spend money
* Hand over your money and she makes all the financial decisions and pays the bills
* She may require you to handle all the finances and bills
* She may want to pay for things, especially out in public, to display her dominance over you

BDSM/Pain/Discipline
One might think that offering to be of service in this arena automatically means the submissive will be bottoming; submitting to spanking, flogging, bondage, or other fun activities. But this could be an inaccurate assumption. Being of service in the BDSM arena means taking whatever part the Dominant would like you to take. I, for example, am a dominant woman who enjoys topping in spanking and cbt but also loves bottoming for foot worship, fire play, and sensation play. Of course, there are negotiations, limits and preferences. I am IN NO WAY saying these things don’t exist and are not important. They do and they are. What I am saying is, there are many ways to serve and offering to bottom for BDSM is not necessarily what a Dominant is looking for. Don’t assume you know what a Dominant wants and offer it up. Asking a dominant what they would like is the best way to find out.

Sexual
I have news for you, I can’t list types of “sexual” service. Because being a Dominant means the dominant decides what is sexual service, not the submissive. And Dominants are people. And people are individuals. This means, each Dominant will have individual needs and desires. She may hate pegging. She may have “receiving oral” as a hard limit. She may want you in chastity or she may find that ridiculous. She may want to do things to you or she may want you to do things to her. Or both. Or neither. Only she can tell you.


As you can see from this list above (and this is not a comprehensive list, it is just what I could come up with and crowd source), sexual service is a very small part of what may be expected from a submissive.

A. If you want nothing to do with this list, and you only want the sexy porn stuff you have seen or heard about, then you are a bottom, not a submissive. And there is nothing wrong with that! You are on the road to better understanding how to get what you want. Here is what you need to do:
1. Stop looking for “dominant” women
2. Start looking for “tops”
3. Let tops know that you are looking for kinky sex
4. If you keep approaching Dominant women asking for pegging or pussy worship or whatever it is you want, you will continue to be ignored or scolded and you will be unsuccessful. Because dominant women are looking to BE SERVED not serve you the kink you desire.

B. If you want nothing to do with this list EXCEPT the sexual service as described:
1. To be clear, this means following HER directions regarding sex. NOT her doing what YOU THINK D/s sex is.
2. Then you are a bedroom submissive. You are not a “slave”. You do not want a D/s relationship. You want a D/s bedroom (or sexual) only relationship.
3. And that’s OK! Many people have D/s in the bedroom only.
4. So STOP looking in groups like “femdom marriage” or “FLR”. These groups are not for you and approaching the women there will only frustrate you and them. You are not looking for the same things the dominants there are looking for.
5. Find the groups that best represent you. And when speaking with dominants or when dating, let them know you are looking for D/s exclusively in the bedroom and a vanilla relationship outside the bedroom.
6. Again, this is ok and perfectly respectable, as long as you are not pushing it on lifestyle Dominants looking for FLRs.

C. If all, or some of the list above looks good, and not just the sexual part, then you are indeed a submissive. Use the list above to help flush out your hard and soft limits.
1. And yes, financial can be a limit. Not every Dominant requires financial service. In fact, not every Dominant will require every type of service on the list. Not that many women want to be washed or shaved. Some don’t want doors opened or to have their meals cooked for them. My boy doesn’t do any “Intellectual & Administrative Services” and I have a different sub that only does “Digital & Technical Services” for me. The list above is a sample of possible services and every Dominant will have her own, unique requirements and desires. It will be up to you to decide if what she desires matches enough of what you need to make it work.
2. If you fear financial service, that is fine. But don’t lead with “NO FINANCIAL SERVICE!”. Dominants understand that there are a lot of scammers out there. But coming at them with this right out the gate sounds like you are assuming that they are a scammer. This is not the best way to start a relationship.
3. So, it is fine to have that limit and stick to it. But share that limit when it is time to share limits. And that time is not in an initial message. Wait until it comes up and share it then.
4. A dominant who is looking for a long term partner is most likely not going to bring up money right away. A woman just out for your money will. (But not always.)
5. Look at it this way, how would you feel if a Dominant approached you and said “I am looking for a sub BUT I WILL NOT PEG YOU!” You would probably think “Damn, I didn’t even ask to be pegged.” And you might be insulted she just assumed this right off the bat. This is how it feels for a lifestyle dominant when subs complain to them about “scammers” and “findoms”. It feels like you are accusing us of something we haven’t mentioned or done.
6. In conclusion, it is fine to have these limits and to share them. But share them at the proper time in the proper tone. You may be hoping to scare off scammers, but in the process you are scaring off everyone.

IN CONCLUSION
As you can see, service means many different things to many different people and no one way of service is better than another. From creating Minecraft worlds for her to flying her to Rome for an all expenses paid vacation; from massaging her feet after a long day of work to being chained to a cross and flogged, service presents itself in a variety of ways. What you are into (or not into) is individual and valid. And you are allowed to ask for what you want and negotiate it in a dynamic. What this article is saying is that you must communicate what service means to you. And if you are approaching someone for the first time, do not assume that what you consider service they will receive as service. Start a conversation and then ask what service looks like to them. See if it matches your definition. See if it something you might be interested in. Learn from this. Otherwise, if you keep approaching Dominants in the same way, you will keep getting the same negative results. You deserve better and so does she.