Dear Domina,
Letters from our Readers
Dear_Domina@proton.me
Dear DOMINA,
Try to help the categories not be so rigid for play. If you could help that cause it would be great! Meaning, take the word sub. You shouldn’t have to be pegged, CBT, bisexual, just to explore a few things. Som Doms and mistresses will turn you down because of this. Which means a lot of people don’t get to play, or experience some things. Myself, I just want to experience CFNM and getting spanked. But that’s hard to find on here. Because you are lumped into a category/ Can your site help to expand the different kinks without being labeled?
ANSWER:
OK. Let me see if I can unpack this question. “You shouldn’t have to be pegged, CBT, bisexual, just to explore a few things” Well, you SHOULDN’T have to do any kink you don’t want to, to get access to the kinks that you DO want to try. I think the problem here is a lack of understanding what different terms mean. I would start with reading this: Are you a submissive? Or a bottom? Because it sounds like you are a bottom but using the term submissive. This means you are contacting the wrong people, thus, getting responses you don’t like or understand. It is perfectly OK to want to experience CFNM and spanking. But this doesn’t have much to do with D/s dynamics. These are kinky activities you want to try. A submissive serves at the pleasure of their dominant. They get joy out of pleasing the dominant in the way she chooses, not in the way the submissive wants. If you read the above article and still think you are submissive, then check out Do you REALLY want to serve? This is a list of different ways a sub might be asked to serve. I hope this helps. Once you figure out what you want and what you “are” you can use the right labels to ask the right people for what you want. Asking a Dominant female to spank you is not going to work.
Ask a spanko to spank you, that may go better.
Dear DOMINA,
I have been searching for a lifestyle Domme. What makes a submissive stand out to a Dominate ? What qualities do you look for in a submissive?
Sincerely looking.
ANSWER:
I would suggest looking through Chapter 4 in the Table Of Contents. Specifically: So, You Want To Find A Partner and The Courtship of the Dominant Woman.
Dear Domina, Why do you think that nearly all subs see dominants as kink dispensers?
ANSWER:
.I don’t know “nearly all subs”.
But a lot of the “subs” do see dominants as kink dispensers.
Many who don’t have already found their way into their dream relationships.
I know that my sub, @JoeBuXXX did a lot of research and reading before venturing out to find his Dominant and even he did not have a completely accurate picture of what a D/s would look like. He thought it would be lots of degrading, criticism, punishment and a strict tone. He thought it would be chastity and training.
He had a porn view of a lot of things. But he also knew what a FLR was. He knew there would be service and chores and obedience.
And he understood things that were the keys to securing me.
He said to me …
“A femdom is still a woman, she needs to be woo’d.”
And
“A woman doesn’t care about your kinks until she cares about you.”
These would be the points “do-me subs” don’t seem to understand.
They treat woman like kink dispensers because porn as taught them that we get off on “forcing them” to do things like oral and taking it in the ass. That we love flogging and whipping them.
But women are still women. Most vanilla women like sex. That doesn’t mean they will have sex with every and any guy who asks.
So even if a woman enjoys whipping or pegging, that doesn’t mean she wants to do that with every boy who asks.
When I met @JoeBuXXX he wanted ME. He didn’t worry about what was in it for him.
He spent months filling the car with gas, opening doors, making breakfast, washing dishes…
Until I decided I wanted to touch him.
Until I decided I wanted to do impact.
Until I moved to spanking…
I asked him to do a BDSM checklist and he filled it out honestly.
After that I was aware of what he enjoyed and I could decide to do some of it, or not. He never asked for anything. But he was always up for everything.
He now lives a very kinky life and gets ALMOST all of the sexy fun he wants. There are still some things I am not prepared to do. But he focuses on loving what we DO and doesn’t fixate on what we don’t. He gets his kinks dispensed to him by a willing Dominant because I love him and I enjoy his body and playing with it.
I think “do me” subs fall into 2 categories:
The clueless men who refuses to believe it is not like porn. They refuse to pay a pro and refuse to do chores and serve outside of kink. They get angry when you tell them that this is not how it works. And they grow bitter online and call all female dominants “fake” because we won’t service them the way they have always seen it in porn.
Then there are the “do me” subs who are willing to listen and learn. They have the same porn background and fantasies but they have a better understanding of how the world works and how women work. They have had successful relationships in the past. They don’t see women as “other worldly”. They know how to talk and behave and they can actually be “trained”.
The guys who are willing to let go of what they thought they knew and learn better and who have people skills, are not doomed to be “do me” subs forever. They can become a part of an amazing relationship if they learn to actually submit and be submissive.
Dear Domina, If you could train your sub to fuck you and be used as a human dildo, and not cum, would you enjoy denying him that way? Used solely for your pleasure?
ANSWER:
I already have my boi trained as my personal fuck toy (and he wears a collar that says so).
I already ride him as long as I want.
But I enjoy being filled. So in the end, I tell him to cum, and he does.
This is all for my pleasure.
In fact, he prefers to be denied. But I don’t care. I want what I want and I want to feel him cum.
Dear Domina,
I recently came across your website, Femdom Hub, and I just wanted to take a moment to express my appreciation for the amazing work both of you have done. Your insights and perspective Ma’am are truly engaging, and it’s clear that you put a lot of thought and effort into your content.
There haven’t been many informational sites about femdom available on the web, and the stuff on fet usually has contradictory opinions. When I met my Dom for the first time can’t tell you how much web scrapping I had to do to figure out what were the right ways to do things….right from looking for a way to address her to what kind of behaviour would please her..searching for these answers was a huge task.
The website is such a relief for Subs like me and it’s refreshing to see such a well-crafted and insightful take on the subject.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and passion with the world. I look forward to reading more from you in the future!
ANSWER:
Thank you so much! I have been working so hard! This website is only 1/100th of what I imagine it to be. Keep checking in and watch it grow.
Dear Domina, Can you share one sex tip/ piece of advice that you wish all men knew?
ANSWER:
To listen to their partners. Listen to their bodies and words.Bodies – Sometimes I move away from a touch or a tongue. That does not mean follow me with that touch or tongue, it means I am trying to get away from or at least lessen the sensation. Same with when I move into a touch, if I keep shifting to the left, don’t shift with me, it means I am trying to put a different part of me in front of that tongue. Don’t do what YOU are trying to do. Do what my body is trying to tell you to do.Words – Listen to what what she says! “Don’t stop” literally means “don’t stop doing exactly what you are doing.” Why do men think “don’t stop” means “do that faster” or “do that harder”?!
No! If we want harder we will say “do it harder”. Listen to the words coming out of our mouths. Don’t change things up because YOU are excited. Do what we tell you to do.Some women, might not use words for various reasons. They may use sounds. This is trickier.
Good sounds = good
Over the top porn sounds MIGHT mean “fucking amazing” but more often they mean “I am trying to get you off as soon as possible to make this end.”
Lack of sound could mean not having fun OR could mean, feels so good I don’t want to put on a performance for your ego.
Talk to your partner about her sounds. Let her know she can be honest. I am the boss. I run the fuck, and even I struggle sometimes not to be performative. It is a long time habit, ingrained. It takes a loving, caring, communicative partner who will not pout if his Dominant is honest about how things are going. I have that and still I struggle.
Dear Domina, In your relationship do you ever spank your partner for discipline or punishment? If you do, do you do something differently to ensure this spanking is not the same as a sensual / fun spanking?
ANSWER:
In the beginning I did. But, it was not successful. If he was really feeling bratty or hyper, he couldn’t even feel the pain and he would laugh which I, of course, found disrespectful. I was pissed, quite frankly.
So, spanking was not the way to go, it just fed the beast. Now I spank for 2 reasons.
1. I can tell he needs it. He needs to settle down and get his mind right and off his problems.
2. His sexy ass tempts me.