In recent years, the phrase “alpha sub” has emerged in BDSM and kink communities. It is used by men who wish to convey that they are submissive but also assertive, independent, and a leader in everyday life. They use this label to set themselves apart from “regular” submissives.

However by using this term they are actually communicating something else.
1. They don’t have a real life view of what a submissive is, which leads one to question if they have a real world understanding of female led D/s at all.
2. They feed into the incorrect stereotypes about male submission
3. They are inadvertently advertising that they are insecure with themselves and their submission.
4. This term also may signal to some that they will have a problem with submitting and try to be the “alpha” in the situation.
5. Lastly, some people feel that since the myth of the “alpha wolf” has been debunked, the people who use this term appear uneducated.

OK. Let’s start with this.  

Close your eyes and imagine a male submissive.

What do you see?

A white man? Hairless or well manscaped? Is he naked and bound up in rope and blindfolded? Or in leather and on his knees? Is he thin, weak, effeminate or perfectly well built and sculpted? Is he possibly wearing girlie lingerie?

Ok… 

Now, where does that man work? What is his career? Does he have a wife? Kids? Does he have friends? What do they look like? Where do they hang out? Does he play sports? Does he drink beer with the guys?

Did you never think about these things? Or did you really think they all live in a cage somewhere and a mistress takes them out once in a while to use them sexually and beat them?

Does that make sense to you? If the men are in cages and the women are dressed in leather abusing them, how is the rent paid? Who goes grocery shopping? Who attends the kids’ band concerts and football games and what would they wear?!

Submissive men are REAL men.  They are blue collar construction workers. They are military veterans. They are pilots. They are politicians and businessmen and plumbers and engineers. 

They are white, black, and Latino. They are tall and beefy, they are short and lean, they are hairy, they are smooth, they are bald and they have long flowing locks.

And I have met many. Let me assure you they are talkative and shy. They are well read and uneducated. They are gamers and they are anti-tech. They play sports, garden, cook, fix cars and race motocross.

Submissive men come from every walk of life and social class, and they can look and sound 1000 different ways.  What they have in common is, they enjoy submitting to a woman. And even that does not mean the same thing to each of them. 

Some want to follow a woman as she leads their marriage. Some want to be used sexually and told how to please. Some want to do domestic chores and some want to entertain and make their Dominant smile. 

If one is a new male submissive, this is the club they are joining. In this club there are 6’6’, 280 pound, hairy men who work in the union and spend their days surrounded by the same. In the evening they settle down to their computer or they go to the dungeon and in someone walks, announcing an “alpha male” has entered the room. What message does that send to the other submissives? What message do you think it sends to the women who love them? That is not a good look on a newcomer, to walk in and purport to be “better” more “manly” than the other men in the community.

When they do this they are showing that they don’t have a real life view of what a submissive is.

And when they continue to do this, they feed into the incorrect stereotypes about male submission. And this confuses the next male sub who joins the community. The confusion and misinformation grow.

And this is how a new male sub inadvertently advertises that they are insecure with themselves and their submission. Submissive men often face questions about masculinity. Traditional masculinity tends to equate strength with dominance. And to some people, this seems to clash with submission. If a sub is insecure he will want to distance himself from this narrative. If a sub is secure in himself, he knows that the dichotomy of masculinity and submission is false. One can be, in fact many subs are, masculine and submissive. If you truly are an “alpha” sub there is no need to announce it or label it, just be one.

Now, to address the other two issues.

This term also may signal to some that they will have a problem with submitting and try to be the “alpha” in the situation.

If one is bragging that they are an “alpha” one can also look like a “brat”. An “alpha” could be perceived as difficult. And alpha may not submit. They may argue or talk back. They may try to top from the bottom or even switch. And for the majority of female dominants these are not desirable traits. Labeling yourself an “alpha” may destroy your chances with Dominants that don’t want to deal with any of that.

And finally…

Have you heard of an “alpha wolf”? Well, the theory of the “alpha wolf” (the idea that wolf packs are dominated by a single, aggressive “alpha” male) has been debunked by Dr. David Mech who just happens to be the scientist who popularized it in his book “The Wolf: Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species”, which was published in 1970. In fact, in 1999, he actually asked publishers to stop publishing it. 

So, since the myth of the “alpha wolf” has been debunked, the people who use this term appear uneducated. And people who use terms that aren’t accurate can be seen as… posers.

To be clear, kink is defined by the kinksters. Terms mean what the people using them want them to mean. So, if you still think you are an alpha sub, feel free to use the term. But keep in mind, you can mean whatever you want to mean, but people are free to react to terms in the way they choose to react. And you can’t control other people you can only control you.