In my real life I know men in vanilla relationships that want a femdom one, or at least they think they do. Some want a Female Led Relationship and some just want to be dominated in the bedroom. And for some reason, many of these men think chastity is the way to introduce femdom to their partner.

Why do men think introducing chastity is their entry ticket to a kinky relationship? I am not in the minds of men but here is what I think they might be thinking:
1. It will fix existing issues in a way that vanilla methods haven’t. They aren’t getting the sex they want anyway or they aren’t getting the amount of sex they want so, why not make the chastity purposeful? They figure, since they aren’t having sex anyway, why not make this involuntary chastity fun?
* Chastity doesn’t solve a lack of sex, it reframes it. Turning involuntary celibacy into kink without mutual enthusiasm can feel manipulative to a partner. It doesn’t address the underlying emotional, relational, or sexual issues causing the issues. Instead, it risks masking problems with a veneer of kink rather than confronting them with vulnerability and communication. Without enthusiastic buy-in, it may feel like she is being pressured to “play along” with something that doesn’t interest her, rather than addressing core issues together.

2. Chastity is the least kinky femdom activity and she won’t think it’s as weird as other kinks.
* To a non-kinky partner, any kink might seem unusual or intimidating. Assuming that chastity will be less off-putting because it’s more “mild” is projecting your own comfort onto someone else. In reality, asking someone to take control of your genitals, even passively, is still a significant request. (And a cage may be down right weird and a total turn off.)  If she has no context for power exchange, chastity can feel just as strange or invasive as spanking, bondage, or other more visible kinks. 

3. Chastity doesn’t require her to “do” anything. 
* And in reality it doesn’t have to, but the way most men want it, it does. (As this article shows). Chastity often does require active participation, emotional check-ins, boundary setting, aftercare, communication, possibly rule enforcement, and dealing with his mood swings, arousal, or frustration. Hoping she’ll “set it and forget it” turns her into a fantasy prop, not a partner. In addition a woman can feel guilt or discomfort in denying a loved one. Adding those negative feelings to her already overwhelmed mind will not yield positive results.

4. Chastity is an easy sell because it benefits her. Men bank on the idea that perceived “tangible benefits” (more orgasms for her, more help around the house, etc.) will make chastity attractive to a hesitant partner. 
* This assumption frames the kink as transactional rather than relational. It’s manipulative to say, “You’ll get more orgasms and a cleaner house if you lock me up.” While service submission is valid in consensual kink, framing your kink desire as her reward can create emotional pressure, especially if she senses your real motivation is sexual gratification. If she doesn’t authentically want what chastity offers her, the dynamic will feel hollow or even coercive.

5. If she experiences control, she’ll like it. A big assumption is that chastity will empower their partner and make her feel more confident or in control. 
* There is no evidence to back this up. This belief centers his desire for her dominance instead of her actual personality, preferences, and comfort level. Not all women are Dominants, and assuming she’ll magically unlock a hidden persona once she tries it is a fantasy often perpetuated by erotica, not real life. Dominance isn’t something that everyone enjoys, and expecting her to change who she is because it benefits your kink can feel invalidating and disrespectful.

6. Existing resources and social media are honest in their portrayals of success in this way. 
* If we know anything about social media, we should know this is not true. The internet tends to highlight success stories while glossing over failed experiments, mismatched dynamics, and emotional fallout. Online communities often feature couples who were already kinky or aligned in their interests before exploring chastity, not those trying to convert a vanilla partner. It’s misleading to assume that because it worked for others, it will work for you, especially if those couples had different foundations of mutual desire, openness, or kink compatibility.

7. That the movies and “romantic” messages they have been sent their whole life have validity to them.  Movies, TV, books and more have been telling men for generations that women don’t know what they really want and the man must pursue them relentlessly until she gives in and realizes that he was right all along. 
* This mindset reflects a toxic narrative: that women just need convincing to get on board with what men want. In reality, no amount of persuasion, hint-dropping, or passive-aggressive sulking makes kink consensual. This belief risks crossing boundaries and ignoring clear “no’s.” True kink, and that includes chastity, relies on enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing consent. If she’s unsure, pushing harder doesn’t prove devotion; it breaks trust.


So! Do I think chastity play is the best way to introduce kink to a vanilla partner?
No.
No, I do not.
I think an honest, clothes on conversation, not in the bedroom is required.
I think it is a series of conversations as your partner takes in a little information at a time.
I think you start with your feelings, (not your sexual ones).
I think you have to be as vulnerable as possible. (“I have been interested in kinky things since I was 11 years old and I have felt shame and fear of rejection. I want to discuss this with you but I am scared you will reject and hurt me.”)
I think you can’t expect to have one conversation and then live your kinky dreams. This will be a long road with many conversations, feelings and possibly tears.
And I definitely do not think pulling out a cage or telling her how great this is going to be for her are good ideas.

But how to bring kink into a vanilla relationship is a whole different article.