I am active in some kinky discords, and one of the biggest issues these discords have are fake FemDoms.
The rule is: “no P4P, no asking for gift cards, no asking for tributes, etc”. It’s a bannable offense. And reasonably so.
But no matter how many times you ban a FemDom profile who is ignoring the rules and secretly trying to hit someone up for gift cards in DMs? Like mushrooms popping up overnight after a rain, the “gimme a gift card” FemDom profiles keep coming back. And they keep finding people to scam because people keep hoping. Full of hope they are.
I try to warn people that an actual skilled legitimate FemDom is not going to be trawling the electronic corridors of a discord server, her 6-in stilettos click-clacking, on the hunt for a sub, posting over and over, and wondering why it’s so gosh darn HARD to find a submissive. They’re going to be actually interacting and playing with their submissives.
Some people listen to me. Most don’t. They keep hoping the next stealth ad post is going to be the Mistress of their dreams. A woman who is super skilled, short of submissives and not going to request a tribute fee after a few rounds of exchange DMs.
And sometimes people ask me: Why is it so hard to find a Female Dominant?? I know that they exist! Why can’t I ever find one?
There are a few reasons. Let me break it down, from the top:
One of the biggest reasons is a matter of skill. While Dominance and submission are simply opposite sides of the same coin, all a submissive really needs to show up with is enthusiasm and their naked flesh. (and good boundaries and good communication skills)
“I’m here, I’m naked, I can’t wait to submit, let’s get this party started! Weeeee!”
Can a Dominant can also show up naked with nothing but enthusiasm?
Most of the time submissives are expecting a little bit more of a show. Corsets are expensive, they can go over $350 easily. Leather is expensive. Latex is expensive. Stockings are $20 a pair and they tear easily. You can spend over a $100 on shoes without even blinking. To cobble together a typical FemDom outfit? If you have a corset and high heels? You’re easily looking at $500.
That’s before you include toys. A whip can be $300. A flogger $200. Canes, paddles, cuffs, blindfolds, rope, collars, If you want your Dom to be able to do medical play? A medical table can be $2,000, sounds, lube, someone can spend $10k on kink supplies without even blinking.
“Okay” I hear you say. “Those are all extreme cases. I’m not expecting my Dominant to be in a corset and leather and carrying a $350 whip. She can show up naked with enthusiasm just like me!”
Even if you are a naked Dominant with no toys? The MOST important thing you have to show up with is knowledge and skill. Lots of skill and knowledge.
How do you read people? What do you know about human anatomy? What parts of the body are safe for impact? What parts do you have to avoid? How do you guide a scene through ebbs and flows, doing that deep, decadent, dopamine drenched dance, that roller coaster of thrill and danger, pushing someone to the edge of the cliff but then pulling them back to safety before they fall over?
How do you know when someone’s mouth is not saying “no” but their flesh and eyes are? What do you do when things have gone wrong? How much do you know about electrical play, bondage, singletailing?
What are your legal options when you significantly damage someone? What do you do if you tie someone wrong and you give them nerve damage? What do you do if you slap someone wrong and you rupture their eardrum?
The accumulated skill and knowledge that you ethically need to stock up on before you are taking someone on the FemDom journey of their dreams? That can genuinely take years. I’m not saying you can’t start Dominating from day one of your kinky journey because you know in your heart of hearts that you are a hardcore Dominant through and through…
But even if that is the case, you are not going to know how to do singletails and effective bondage on day one. Those are skill sets that take time to learn.
The fact that it takes a considerable amount of time, effort, energy and frequently money to be a FemDom is not the only factor, of course.
We still, in the year of 2025, live in a society, worldwide, that is flavored and affected by the patriarchy in ways we can’t even see because we are so used to them.
Did you know that adult men have a higher chance of surviving a car crash than adult women? For a scientific fact?
The reason why is that seat belts are designed for the “default” human body which is, of course, male. Seat belts are not designed for female bodies and thus women do not survive car crashes as frequently as men do.
Even if a woman knows, in her heart of hearts, that she is absolutely a stone cold Dominant and wants to do FLR? She still has to fight through that invisible heavy fog of the patriarchy which is telling her every single day in a thousand different ways how women are “supposed to” be submissive to men.
So yes, while it isn’t impossible to find a FemDom, they aren’t going to be prowling the electronic corridors of a kinky discord server, endlessly posting the fact that they are hopefully looking for a submissive.
They are going to be out in the real world interacting with and playing with the submissives that they have.
If you want to find the FemDom of your dreams? You have to put yourself out there. You have to go to events. You have to go to munches. You have to get to know your community. You have to get to know people that you aren’t sexually interested in. You have to be patient. You have to keep on trying.
I know this isn’t what everyone wants to hear and scammers count on the fact that it’s easier to stay at home in your pajamas online and hope that the next “FemDom” that approaches you hunting for submissives isn’t going to be requesting a giftcard after the two of you start chatting.
It isn’t impossible to find a FemDom. They are out there. But you are going to have to work at it, and unless you’re paying money for a pro? They are probably not going to be a 6 ft tall busty goddess with a 24-in corseted waist who is putting you through training in her dungeon with $10,000 worth of equipment. Sorry to be the destroyer of dreams.
Xoxo
RDG