It has been so maddening to see how many people on here just slap the label ‘Dom’ on their name and have no concept of what that actually entails. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know everyone starts somewhere and I did too. Not only that, but as previously written about, I had NO IDEA what the hell I was doing and went in completely blind with no education or community or anything. But that was also 30 years ago, before home internet and mainstream sources of information for things like this. Also, for the record, I never called myself a Dom, I replied to a guy asking if I had a dominant personality, not even really knowing how that would play out.

I know everyone starts as a newbie and those are not the people I am talking about, necessarily, as long as they are open to learning and growing.

I am talking about people, both men and women, that slap the title Dom on their name and think it is a license to use and abuse anyone that is an s type, without taking any responsibility for what they are doing.

Let me start by recalling the most basic of concepts.

The Dominant, in exchange for having the final say in matters, has a responsibility to make sure that the submissives needs are met. The submissive has had their agency and the freedom to act independently reduced, therefore this responsibility has to be on the Dom that they have placed their trust in.

If the Doms needs and wants go against what the submissive NEEDS, any responsible Dom knows to take a back seat in exchange for the freedom they have to make the decisions.

It should be a hierarchy of:
Subs needs
Doms needs
Doms wants
Subs wants

The Dom is responsible for the care of their submissives. If the submissive cannot trust you to take care of their needs (whether those are physical or mental) how are they supposed to give authority and control over to you.

That doesn’t mean the subs needs are ‘more important’ than the Doms…it means the responsibility of the Dom is much higher than the responsibility of the submissive.
 Of course there are times, in emergency, that the Doms needs might have to come first, but this should be the exception, not the rule.

One example I can pull out from things I have already written about is when I spoke about getting upset with Q when I took her out for the first time, and how after she was done her punishment, I knew she NEEDED me to stick around in order for her not to spiral mentally. I WANTED to go and have dinner with my family, as I had planned, but that want had to be pushed aside to make sure Q had what she needed.

Taking the role of Dom means being a responsible leader and creating an environment for your submissives to thrive. Occasionally there will be missteps, mistakes and even a rare moment of insubordination by way of boundary pushing. But if it is happening constantly, there is a bigger problem and the responsibility to find the solution through clear and GUIDED communication belongs to the Dom.

You should want your submissive to flourish under your control. I know I touched on this in a previous writing (somewhere, they are building up now so hard to track what was said where)…but I have a hard time understanding some of the ways certain Doms will speak about their submissives. I know I gave the example of one saying they liked to treat their slaves like shit. I don’t really understand the concept of wanting to own something I see as shit?

Or the Domme I often see that calls her boy ‘idiot and asshole’ are the two most common. Again, why would I want to be associated with someone I thought of as an asshole? And surely I wouldn’t desire to be around an idiot.

Some Doms view submissives as weak. I think just the opposite. I cannot speak for all Doms but I know it takes a VERY strong person to submit to my style. To handle the physical stress I can dole out. To cope with the constant mental anguish and mind games. I tend to scare the weak ones off way before it would even progress to a meeting. I am confident in my ability to weed out weakness early on.

A while back, I was told by a male Dom in here that I was ‘simping’ to new submissives by being nice to them. I was giving guidance as to not be taken advantage of by Doms like him, quite frankly. Someone that was young and slapped that title of Dom down and the basic philosophy of his style seemed to be all submissive women are there to be used and tossed aside.

I read a post a few days ago, about a Dom that played so roughly with a submissive he gave her a concussion. Then, never checked on her and when she asserted herself to ask for aftercare, was told she was fun but he wasn’t into ‘emotional stuff’ and then basically ghosted her.

I have a very good friend, a submissive male, that some years ago, met a Domme on here. Talked for some time. During the first and only session they had, she had him tied up, didn’t stop when he tried to stop it, way overdid it. And even after all that, he tried to seek comfort from her, that he expressed, in detail with her ahead of time, how important aftercare was for him…and she coldly sat there, unfazed, ignoring him until he left. She later told him she felt ashamed about the harsh treatment she put him through and couldn’t deal with it.

You know what, TOO FUCKING BAD! If you are the one in control, first and foremost, you should have control of yourself. If you can’t deal with your own shit, go get some fucking therapy! And if you can’t put the submissives need for proper aftercare ahead of your own need to be left alone, either find someone that can handle that or just go fuck yourself. I will say, I don’t deal with shame, nor, do I ever deal with drop, personally. But I still stand by that those are not excuses to not provide proper care for those that suffer for you.

I have seen many people, on both sides of the slash, but more so Doms saying the value of submissives is ‘less than’ or somehow lacking. This is utter nonsense. A while back in a thread, some idiot tried to say any control outside the bedroom is abuse and a TPE strips the submissive of any ‘real value’. I find this actually a bit repulsive and offensive. I value my submissives the same as I would any cherished pet. I may be into humiliation but I never call my submissives ‘worthless’ or anything like that, because that is not even a little bit true.

Now, don’t get me wrong, obviously there are plenty of good, responsible, skilled Doms out there. Unfortunately sometimes it’s hard for a submissive to be able to tell who falls in that category and who is full of bullshit. Especially if they are newer and don’t really know what they are doing. Sometimes, as in the case with my friend, she was just a good bullshitter. It is imperative, imo, for a submissive to be able to vet a Dom until they are comfortable and confident that the person at least has some idea what they are doing, before getting into anything. If a Dom is telling you they are not to be questioned during the early stages of talking, that is a huge, huge red flag. Regardless of experience, if they want to get right into dangerous types of play, before they understand how your body works, that’s a red flag. If they try and force control over you, before you desire to give it up to them, another red flag. If a Dom tries to make you feel like you don’t have value, RED FLAG. No matter what, get out, period. This has the potential to turn out very bad.

I want my submissives to succeed under my direction. I want them to be happy and confident. I want them comfortable, until I choose to make them uncomfortable. I want to make sure they are safe and healthy. I also want them to have a healthy fear of me, but, at the same time, inexplicably trust me and that I will always have their well being foremost in my mind.

I don’t understand how anyone could fully submit to someone, if that trust was not there, and how you could trust someone that doesn’t put your well being front and center. I don’t understand how anyone could want to endure the type of suffering I demand, if they didn’t trust that I was capable of controlling myself, or if they thought I may harm them, or that I didn’t care if I did.

At one point, a few years in, T and I had a ‘break’ that lasted several months. When I finally agreed to start back up, I found out they had started smoking cigarettes again. I really don’t like that and had to make them stop again. I had another girl that was terrible for texting while driving (before it was against the law), and I had to break her of that habit also. While these are also both things that would be best for their overall being, I also drove home the point that they did not have the right to do something that would negatively affect MY property. I take care of my slaves and I expect they will too, that is the bottom line. However, it is also my job, as the Dom, to figure out how to fix issues like this as they come up. To figure out how to set the slave up to succeed in whatever I am trying to modify.

Now, of course, sometimes this is going to include punishment of some kind, to correct infractions or behaviour that are unacceptable. As already spoken about in these writings, actual punishment is not play. It is not enjoyable, for myself nor the submissive. It is meant to deter future infractions and allow the submissive to pay restitution for the infraction that did happen, so they may move forward with a clean slate and seek forgiveness from their Dom.

While punishment may be very difficult for the submissive to complete, it is something that they should appreciate as a tool to help them fix any behaviour their Dom does not like, to make them the best submissive they can be, to be pleasing to that Dom. They should be appreciative that the Dom is paying attention and cared enough to want to correct the behaviour.

Last night, I had to do just that. My boy needed to be punished for something he did this week that was not intentional, but was careless. And it really pissed me off at the time. All week I have been reminding him that punishments are not fun and should be avoided. I could tell he was genuinely sorry, scared and anxious.

When he came over, I had him strip down to his panties and kneel at the wall. I put dish soap in his mouth, and gave him an egg to hold up against the wall with his face. His arm were held outright at his sides, at shoulder height. I told him he shouldn’t swallow the soap and he doesn’t want to know what happens if he drops the egg. Normally, I make punishments last for 30 minutes. I want the suffering endured to be enough to deter any future infractions. Not that there will never be any, but that the same one will not be repeated and they won’t be often.

My plan was to let him go ten minutes and assess how he was doing. Within five minutes I could see him struggling. At the 8 minute mark, his arms seemed to be losing the ability to hold still, I had already told him a few times to lift them up more, and, for the record, I was making the choice not to be too picky about it. His cock was hard when he started and I watched it slowly shrink down as he struggled to keep the egg against the wall and his arms up. Which, is the appropriate response since this is meant to be endured, not enjoyed.

At nine minutes, I thought he was tapping the wall, to get my attention. I asked if he was trying to get my attention and I guess we had a miscommunication because I thought he was signalling yes but he said later that he was just making noise, didn’t tap on the wall and wasn’t trying to get my attention. So I guess he got really lucky there.

I made him finish the last couple of minutes but I told him after that, since he had a long week of me tormenting him and I could tell he was genuinely sorry, and it being his first time, that I would let him off easy but he better not make me regret it. I could make that punishment much worse by making him stand on one leg, putting weights on his balls, or attaching his balls to his neck, making a situation between balancing the egg and pulling on his balls. I told him, if I had to have him repeat this punishment, for the same, or very similar infraction, I would make him do it a full 60 minutes (30 minutes for this time, 30 minutes for next time), and make him balance a stack of books in each hand. I would imagine, not only the added weight but trying to balance the books with the egg would be extremely difficult, if he is a smart boy, he will heed that warning. If he makes me regret letting him off easy, I will make sure he also REALLY regrets it.

After he was done, I let him clean his mouth out and I spent a few minutes making sure he was calm enough to move on, we went into my room and I took some measurements so I can have him construct something to help restrain him…and then, I wanted to see if I could leave some nice, deep marks on his ass. This is only his second time receiving impact like this, and I wanted to see if I could focus on one area and get the skin to break. I would just lay into that one spot, over and over…only changing to either give him a break by hitting this thighs instead, or to send some pain through his balls, which really made him cry out and squirm around. At one point I was pretty sure he was going to fall off the bed. Trying to get him to focus on even a single question during this is hilarious, last night his brain just seemed to turn to mush, at even the simplest of questions.

At the end, he couldn’t take anymore and I wasn’t able to break the skin, this time, but he does have a really nice dark spot on that area, that can be viewed in my photos. Maybe next time…