So we all know that there’s a bit of a stigma around being a submissive man. There’s a lot of stereotypes and sentiments that suggest that submission is weak, feminine, and emasculating, and that a man should only, and can only, be submissive in certain ways, such as as a break from his “high powered lifestyle.”

A while ago I read an article in “Men’s Health”, about medical fetishism, and it drove me a little fucking nuts.

“Often medical play can evoke emotions such as helplessness, or provide a sense of nurturing and care, as well as a sense of the taboo,” Play explains. “Many straight men, especially those that work in high-powered careers, enjoy being dominated.”

For what it’s worth, I think this article is designed for people who aren’t super familiar with kink in general. Of course, it makes sense that the author wants to reassure the reader that yes, of course, straight men like to be dominated too! But there is a particular image that is reinforced with this sentence, an image of that powerful, luxurious, rich CEO who wants a break from his high-stress lifestyle and air of political and social dominance to have a hot woman step on him. While there is no shortage of people who use submission as a break from high-stress careers, this man, the man to represent all submissive men – He has to be powerful, he has to be in control, and submission has to be a break, he can’t possibly be submissive as himself.

“Tonya Jone Miller, who worked as a phone sex operator for more than 15 years and played out medical scenarios for a number of clients, says medfet can help men give up control during sex. “There’s something about medical kinks that really absolve guilt and shame,” she says.”

Now, it’s definitely true that the medical fetish can help men give up the control they are socialized to desire and expect, and help work through shame. I have no doubts that many men need an “excuse” to be submissive, in the same way some queer men need an “excuse” to have sex with other men. I’m not shitting on roleplay here either. I’m an avid roleplayer, and I don’t consider roleplay to be a “less mild” or “less valid” form of kink and D/s, but there is an inherent problem with the idea that men must need “permission” to submit, and that roleplay gives men this permission – after all, they can’t possibly be submissive as people, they can’t possibly enjoy submission as people, they need to be molded, changed, and morphed, and only for a short phone call or one night only, of course.

“Going to the doctor is something we all have to do at some point, right? A lot of men aren’t used to being in a position of taking instruction, of being told what to do, but by putting it in this clinical setting, it allows for that loss of control. It makes it more familiar, and so more acceptable.”

This paragraph fascinates me, because I have no idea what the fuck the author is talking about. A lot of men aren’t used to being in a position of taking instruction? This is going back to that whole “high-powered CEO who hires hot women to kick him in the sack” trope, but also just this idea that men are inherently in control, or even that we all DESIRE control in our vanilla lives.

Men on a lower rungs of the socioeconomic ladder are used to being told what to do. Men in the military are used to being told what to do. Men who are really good at taking instructions – like myself – are used to being told what to do.

Regardless if a man’s submission is “innate” and part of his lifestyle, or a bit of roleplay to relax every once in a while, there’s a huge problem with the way we present this image of a submissive man and the box we try to stuff him into. Male submission is just as complex and nuanced as everyone else’s submissiveness.