I have pretty strong feelings on both sides of this topic so if you are a ‘findomme’ or a boy that keeps complaining about them, you may not like all I have to say. Continue reading at your own discretion.

Let me start by saying a few things upfront and clearly:
1. There is a legitimate kink that revolved about control of finances, however, 99% of the people on this site asking for money do not fall into this category.
2. Pro Dommes are a completely different group of people and not only should not be lumped together with ‘findommes’ but doing so is rather insulting to legitimate Dominatrix. If you are paying for a Pro Domme’s time and expertise that is a legitimate service. It is a service that is needed, and serves a purpose and these ladies should be respected as professionals. Pro Dommes are upfront about what services they offer and their rates, they usually are known in their local community and have a strong online presence (website) as well as a designated play area like a dungeon or at least play room. They are not scammers, there is nothing wrong with what they do or with those that seek their services.
3. Scammers are those posing as ‘findommes’ and target horny men that are only thinking with their dicks. They are most often posing as Dommes and saying they require payment or ‘tribute’ with no intention of ever giving you the time and attention you think you are are paying for. These people are not kinky, they often are not even women and their only goal is to make a quick buck off stupid men who think a Domme is chasing them wanting to fulfill their every fantasy. As bad as I feel for some of these guys sometimes, it’s frustrating that they are so ridiculous that they think women actually work this way.

Scammers have been around since the beginning of time and certainly are not new in the kink community. Men who identify as submissive (whether they actually are or not, that’s the second part of this entry), are usually the targets because when they are desperate and/or horny, common sense often isn’t their strong suit.

One of my past boys told me a story about how he had been scammed, before I met him. This was in the 90’s, when scammers actually had to put work into it.

He had went to an local bar that was having a ‘leather S&M night’ and there was a women there, dressed in what porn watchers think looks like a Domme, and she was ‘taking interviews with boys’ all night to find a personal slave. This boy had a meet and greet with her and she told him he had been chosen. If I remember correctly, he called her to set up a first play date and she told him that new slaves have to pay a one time fee of $100 to pay for their collars and a few things like that. He was told one of her other boys would meet him outside her apartment building and bring him up to her and to pay that guy so he could go get the required items. This boy goes where he is told, a guy meets him outside, they go in the building and the guy asks for the money. Boy hands over the money, they board the elevator…ride up to whatever floor…when they arrive, guy tells him it’s door number xx, boy gets off elevator, guy closes the elevator door and heads back down, boy wasn’t expecting that…but what else to do at this point but to knock on the door. Boy knocks on the door and some old annoyed dude answers and right away says ‘Mistress so and so doesn’t live here, go away’ and slams the door in his face. By now, the guy with the money is long gone. Imagine how many guys she could have spoken to and run this on at a full night at the club. Terrible.

At least, back then, they had to somewhat work to pull off a scam like this. Nowadays it’s just random people behind a screen, putting up pictures of young, classically attractive women and pretend they are desperate for dick (women are not, see THIS if you don’t know that yet).

If you are male, and consider yourself submissive, you should understand that you are competing with a sea full of others just like you. There are way more submissives than Dom/mes, and not just among m/f relations, gay men and lesbians have the same issue. I have seen posts where lesbians have said they would rather be submissive but take on the Domme role or they would never get a partner. I get messages ALL THE TIME from men listed as Dom (not even switch) saying they want to be dominated. I know from my gay male counterparts there are always a dozen bottoms for every top.

Being someone who is, and always has been, naturally dominate, I have no idea why this is, but it just is. So clearly in this numbers game, if you are a submissive male, looking for the attention of a legitimate lifestyle Domme, you have to find a way to make yourself appealing. And no, this has nothing to do with looks or your dick.

The most frustrating complainers of ‘why do all Dommes want money’ are the males whose profiles are completely blank. They have some photos, maybe a cock shot 🙄, maybe a list of kinks or a small write up about what they want a Domme to do to them, maybe not even that. And then they wonder why they can’t get the attention of any legitimate lifestyle Domme.

Speaking only for myself, if I am working my way through many messages and a lot of them are the usual ‘hi’ or ‘I love your photos’ or something equally as lame…honestly, 95% of the messages I get are deleted without opening…then if I read one and even bother taking the time to click on their page and there is NO INFORMATION at all about them, about who they are, what they have to offer in a dynamic (not talking about money), or anything else even remotely interesting, I have already wasted way too much time on that message. This type of profile is only going to attract scammers because they dont care about any of the stuff Dommes are looking for, they are only interested in separating a fool from their money, so all that stuff is irrelevant to them.

I always advise against males to give money to anyone they are talking to online, for any reason, regardless of what they say the money is for. If the person you are talking to will only continue to talk to you if you send money, you already know what they want from you. If they are saying they need money for things before meeting in person, this is also a red flag. There is nothing absolutely required for meeting, except maybe offering to pay for her drinks at said meeting. Once you are in a dynamic and actually playing in person, asking the submissive to pick up a toy here and there or the like is acceptable, but not until you have met and know you are going to continue.

Furthermore I always find it interesting when some men will say these people will literally beg them for money. What kind of dominate is that? If you wanna be a boss bitch, you should probably be able to support yourself, at a minimum. Relying on others for things you need isn’t exactly a dominant move and, quite frankly, now puts the control into the submissives hands if he is controlling your wants and needs. If it wasn’t for the fact that these people are not really Dommes, I would find this a bit baffling.
Now, let’s change gears to topic number two. I have no idea, and can’t even begin to guess, the numbers here, but a LOT of males that call themselves submissives are not actually submissive, they are just kinky. There is nothing wrong with just being kinky. The problem, comes, when you are looking for a Domme and not a service top.

If you are looking for a woman to do specific things to you, that you have seen on porn (which has no reality to an actual M/s lifestyle), or that you have fantasized about and this is your main objective, chances are, you are a kinky guy and not really a submissive. Now, I would say the vast majority of submissives are kinky but not all kinky people are submissive (obviously).

If you have an idea in your head of exactly what you want to happen and are not really interested in the Domme being the centre of what she wants, and how to do things to best please her, make her life easier or really want to learn how she wants you to behave, you are not submissive, you are kinky.

There is nothing wrong with that. However, you have to realize that lifestyle Dommes are not fetish dispensers and regardless of what you think you learned watching porn, we are not looking to fulfill your every fantasy. If you are not interested in actually serving a Domme, and I mean serving how she requires, this is where Pro Dommes doing pay for play come into the scene. This is what you want. Because you are not actually looking to give up control, you are looking to have your own wants met. There is nothing wrong with that. Alternatively, you could look for a service top, which is exactly what it sounds like, but I am not exactly sure how plentiful they are.

In a lifestyle dynamic, the submissives wants come last. Now, given the responsibility the Domme takes on being in control, the submissives needs must be met, then the Dommes needs and then wants, and submissives wants last. So if you are trying to enter a dynamic simply because you want certain things, this won’t work for you.

If you think learning how I like my tea, or weeding my garden, or running an errand I need done are not something that interests you, and you just want to get to the kinky stuff, a lifestyle Domme isn’t for you. If you only want the kinky stuff in the bedroom and an otherwise typical vanilla relationship/partnership/marriage, a lifestyle Domme isn’t for you, but a kinky wife might be! There is nothing wrong with that either, but be aware that a bedroom only top is the equivalent of a mom baking her child a cake for their birthday, while a lifestyle Domme is more like a pastry chef who specializes in French delicacies. Nothing is wrong with either, you just have to find what you are truly looking for. Now, if you are only interested in the kinky fun part and not in any serious relationship, you want pay for play, period. And complaining you can’t find that for free is equal to complaining you can’t find a mechanic or electrician for free.

The Domme in a lifestyle dynamic takes on not only responsibility but a fair amount of work as well. Planning, making decisions, looking for possible problems, research etc. Which is why we only want to do that if it’s a two way street. Nobody wants to do that kind of labour if there is absolutely zero pay off for them. So if the pay off doesn’t come in the form of connection and actual submission, then actually paying is usually the option.

This is also one of the main reasons I don’t bother with messages from subs I know didn’t read my entire profile. If someone is interested in serving me, they are going to want to learn about me as much as possible, in order to see if we are compatible, to learn what I might like or anything about me they can.

If they are cold messaging me without reading it, I know they are either one of those that copy and paste and hit as many profiles as possible hoping for replies, or, they just saw a photo and is sending the message based solely off that, without wanting to know what I actually want, which means they likely are not even submissive. A submissive would want to know what I want, so they know how to best present themselves to me. So I won’t bother wasting my time. I mean, honestly, if they can’t even be bothered to read a profile, how useful are they going to be to me anyway?

A big part of what I do is mental, which means a lot of talking/reading/writing on the submissives part, like a lot of lifestyle Dommes, if you are only reacting to a photo and not taking the time to read the most basic information, you would never be able to keep up even if you tried. Better to map out what you want and see a Pro to give you the experience you want.

So, bottom line is, while Pro Dommes have a place in the kinky world, scammers do not. If you don’t want to only attract scammers, you need to make yourself attractive to potential Dommes. If you don’t want to put in that effort, you are kinky and not submissive, and pay for play with a pro is what you need. Full circle. I hope this makes things a lot clearer for some of you.