My experience has been a significant amount of s-types attempting to coerce or otherwise force a D-type into fulfilling their fantasies. I’ve also seen many victim blame and dismiss womxn and afab people who are on the left side of the slash for “not being in control of their s-types.” Trust me, if there was a way we could avoid these experiences, we would. But here’s the wider truth of the problem.
Personal power does not equal social power, does not equal relationship power.
Myth 1: Power is something you take.
Learn more about that here: https://youtu.be/-hV9yYVnhS0?si=AJv-0y_szeJ1Pv07
Sorry, simply not true. In most situations, social or otherwise, power is given or attributed. Now, there’s a lot of things that factor into who is given that power and who is not. REMEMBER not everyone has to give someone power in order for them to be in a position of power. Just some, or a majority usually. It can be forcibly taken away or oppressed.
Power is usually a group construct, however. On a micro level, or dyadic (two people) level, power is usually based in several different sources. On a macro level, structures, norms, and more play into who has power and who does not. We call that privilege.
Hard vs. Soft Power:
Learn more about that here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PDIlxIfdao&t=212s
In the social sciences, we talk about hard and soft power. In society, soft power is more effective than hard power. Still, the push for hard power (or a Machiavellian power grab) still remains, especially within FemDom usually. And that’s what the victim blamers are stating, the idea being you should be the one to grab power and prevent yourself from being harmed. Problem is, in my experience (anecdotal of course, no study to back this one), many people who are socialized to be women (whether or not that’s their personal identity) aren’t interested in hard power all the time, especially in relationships. Now there are of course exceptions, I myself occasionally being among them. But it’s more of a topping than a main dish for me.
News flash…
Myth 2: People in power don’t get hurt or harmed.
Being in power does not guarantee safety or even respect. Perhaps you will recall hundreds of events in history where this has been illustrated. People in power are not always safe, especially in kink.
(CW: victim blaming and assault) I once had the unfortunate experience of being assaulted by an ex play partner. This resulted in broken bones. While relaying this to another Femdom individual, their response was “But you’re a Sadist. Why didn’t you just cut them!” The idea was that my identity would keep me safe. If anything, I personally am less safe as a Top than as a bottom (which may or may not be true for you as well).
Myth 3: Personal empowerment means you have social power.
I have a strong sense of empowerment, but that does not mean I automatically have power. Most consider me a powerful person, but in the eyes of society, I hold average power. I still get dismissed in meetings and other spaces. I’m still treated like a woman most days. But I also have my personal privileges such as being white, being married, etc. But power in one space doesn’t equal power in another.
However, having social power doesn’t mean you feel empowered. Just sometimes entitled if you’re not aware of it and handling it ethically. YOU CAN BE IN A POSITION OF SOCIAL POWER AND STILL FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE NO POWER.
Let’s take cisgendered men for instance. Incel culture typically is comprised of people who feel unempowered (Sparks, 2022). However, cisgendered men have male privilege. Having privilege in one area does not guarantee that you will feel empowered. But feeling disempowered can lead to you dismissing the social power structures at play. Being personally powered or unempowered is an individual concept. Power at large is not dictated solely by that construct.
Individuals who define in a submissive role may or may not have high levels of personal empowerment. Individuals who define in a Dominant role may or may not as well. Kink roles are just that: kink roles and not always a reflection on the total sum of a person’s personality.
I see people who define as submissives (or another s-type role) because they do not feel empowered (a whole different topic I’m not going to address here), but absolutely dismiss the social constructs and larger power concepts that are at play in their individual relationships. In other words, they deny the existence of privilege and entitlement and the effects it has on a relationship or dynamic.
We have to map out the actual power constructs and be more mindful of the power in relationships and dynamics. Just because you take on a role or title does not make it so. Shifting power and making it equitable doesn’t automatically happen.
That’s where mindfulness and authority exchange come into play. Please, if you play with marginalized people and people socialized to be womxn, sit down and talk with them about their experience and where you all actually stand.
That’s how you end up in a situation where you are disempowering your FemDom (or others). You want a “Dominant” woman, you empower her. You want to empower her, you have the guts to have the uncomfortable conversations surrounding it. I’m not going to tell you what that power should look like, but I do urge you to be more mindful and aware.
USE POWER MAPPING!
You can learn more about the practice here: https://online.hbs.edu/blog/post/power-mapping-what-it-is-and-how-to-use-it
More on power, especially social power, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_Eutci7ack
More on women and power here: https://odi.org/en/about/our-work/women-and-power-overcoming-barriers-to-leadership-and-influence/
References:
Sparks, B., Zidenberg, A. M., & Olver, M. E. (2022). Involuntary Celibacy: A Review of Incel Ideology and Experiences with Dating, Rejection, and Associated Mental Health and Emotional Sequelae. Current psychiatry reports, 24(12), 731–740. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-022-01382-9
Victim blaming, debating, or general assholery will be deleted.
See my project on womxn in power in kink here.