One of the hurdles I have spoken about before was the amount of males that label themselves as submissives, when they are actually kinky bottoms. I think the biggest reason for that is the popularity of porn labelled BDSM is so far removed from the reality of a D/s relationship, and people just discovering it don’t always take the time to educate themselves before trying to jump in head first.

Most porn is made by men, for men, from the pov of the male gaze. BDSM porn is no different and at best could mirror some bedroom fun between a couple, or perhaps if it’s just a particular thing (like impact play) could be similar to a session with a Pro…but this isn’t the way actual lifestyle Dommes live in their day to day lives.

The male fantasy of female dominance, for a lot of men, seems to be centred around the man’s wants and desires. Women walking around in uncomfortable leather or latex, with high heels on, focused on the man’s sexual desires. Lifestyle Dommes are just as likely, maybe even more likely, to play in fuzzy slippers! Some women have cold feet often!

“Why wouldn’t a woman in charge want to do all the things to make my penis hard? She can do anything she wants to me, as long as I enjoy it”

“I want you to be in control. No, not like that, control me like this”

That is what it seems like a lot of these men think. What more could a woman want, other than a penis to do what she wants with?

This is not how woman operate. A lot of men behave like they will fuck anything with a hole and a heartbeat (heartbeat optional)…and it baffles them that women are actually selective. Any confident self respecting and self aware woman has criteria to who she wants to engage with. Not to say some of that criteria cannot be ‘bent’ depending on the importance of one piece compared to the value of something else…but we generally have a hierarchy of things we require from a partner.

In an actual D/s dynamic, genitals are low on the list. In fact, for some Dommes, it isn’t on there at all. Service to a Domme should only include a penis if and when SHE desires it to. So leading with that, or any other sexual desire or need will get men nowhere fast.

The reality of female dominance is that done properly, it’s actually a lot of work. The Domme is in charge of planning play, making sure it’s done as safely as possible, which means doing research, reading/learning, sometimes practice…she is responsible for making sure her submissives needs are met, within the context of their dynamic…she is responsible to care for the submissives well being, both physical and phycological, before, during and after sessions. And this is just the tip of the iceburg…many dynamics puts the Domme in an even further position of labour and responsibility.

For the Domme to willingly take this on, there has to be a benefit to her also. ALL DYNAMICS SHOULD BE MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL to both Domme and submissive in order to work. This is a big chunk of what the male bottoms are missing. They don’t seem to understand what seems fun for them, isn’t enough pay off for the Domme, ignoring that while it may be fun for her, it’s also work.

While I am engaged in play…yes, it is fun and pleasurable BUT, I also have to make sure I am alert and paying attention to body movements, breathing, anything that looks unusual…possibly circulation issues, mental distress…the list is endless.
Yet, when you tell these men, that got their ideas from porn, that to be of service, actual service is required, they somehow think they are getting the short end of the stick.

Male focused kinks are not of interest to a lot of Dommes. In my experience, the most common kink that male submissives or bottoms love and a lot of Dommes don’t care for is chastity. Especially cock cages. Because a lot of Dommes will tell you that a male will make that his sole focus.

Personally, chastity is one of my favourite kinks when playing with a male. I love the edgy frustration it causes. I love the desperation that follows. I don’t care for cages, I don’t find them necessary so I have never used one. But I have heard stories about why other women don’t like them.

Not only will the sub focus so much on the fact that they are locked that there are not in tune with their Dommes wants, but even instances of getting out of the cage and masturbating and then getting upset when they are not being ‘punished’ for getting out of something they asked to be put into! What kind of fuckery is this, exactly? I definitely would not deal with that.

Because, again, they don’t want actual female dominance and control…they want a porn fantasy how they want it.

Chastity is fun for me because I am controlling it for my own amusement. Having a boy that is too focused on his own cock and wants would be lacking in the service side of things. If he cannot provide proper service while frustrated, he needs to learn to refocus his attention to his Domme’s wants. One of the submissives main goals should be trying to learn to be in tune with his Domme’s needs and wants. I have had boys in the past that have needed to learn this. I had one arrangement that was extremely short lived because he couldn’t/wouldn’t learn it. The focus should only be on the submissives desires when the Domme chooses. This is why I am very strict about not playing with bottoms and prefer naturally submissive partners.

One of the things I like most about my current pet is how naturally he has fit into the submissive role and things like task focus while frustrated wasn’t even something I had to train him to do. He is at about the two month mark now of not having an orgasm and even if his cock is jumping around and leaking, sometimes I can hear some whimpers of frustration but he stays focused to the task at hand. In fact, I have been just recently starting to have some success at pulling confidence out of him to ask for something he wants, when it’s appropriate.


Personally, I do use punishments when needed to correct behaviour. This doesn’t seem to be the norm for most Dommes. If it is willful disobedience, there would be a lot of discussion and repeated issues would lead to the end of the dynamic. I also don’t generally punish for genuine mistakes, we are all human. What is most likely to lead to punishment is mistakes that happen because of carelessness, or if it’s a situation where the submissive got out of sorts briefly and needed a reminder.

The general consensus of the Dommes I have seen in discussions here is the fear that punishment would lead to further misbehaviour to seek more punishment. Personally, I have never had this experience and would be surprised if I did. I have only had to use actual punishment (which is different from correction which is swift), sparingly. It has been my experience that my submissives will avoid it as much as possible. Not only to avoid the punishment itself but also to avoid displeasing and disappointing me to the point where I felt it was necessary, as that generally doesn’t make them feel good. If it did, that would make me seriously consider continuing the dynamic. I would bet my last dollar that anyone would be hard pressed to find a submissive that has served me that would say they liked being punished by me. I know my pet tries to avoid it. I was a bit concerned when it happened twice in a short period of time but he has definitely learned and improved because of those two experiences.

The porn ‘educated’ man wants the Domme in her leather, wielding a riding crop, telling them what a bad boy they have been and how they better service her sexually for being such a bad boy. What punishment! Good grief. Yawn. This is so far removed from reality.

Women don’t work this way. I often wonder if these guys that drop laundry lists of kinky fantasy into every Domme’s inbox they can find has ever had contact with a real life woman. First, they see the title Domme beside the name, maybe look at a photo or two and then leave the most insane DMs.

That is why it is such a big pet peeve of a lot of Domme’s, especially those that are open to meeting submissives, when they do not read the profile of the woman they are messaging. Because it shows of mindset of ‘I want a Domme, any Domme will do’. And their tiny minds are blown when women don’t engage them. The priority is backwards. For a Domme seeking, being submissive may be a requirement but it isn’t even a major selling point.

If a submissive reaches out to me, and knows nothing about me, despite my extensive profile and many writings, that a red flag. Because if they wanted to know about ME, they would have taken the time to learn everything they could. That tells me they are looking for an interchangeable Domme. I don’t know any woman that would be interested in this.

I often wonder if any of these men have ever interacted with real life women before. Would you walk up to a strange woman in public and say ‘hey, you have female parts, just what I am looking for, want to touch my dick?’…and expect it to be well received? Yet guys do the equivalent of that in Dommes DMs all the time and are perplexed as to why it doesn’t work. Why is it so hard to just find a woman that will do exactly what I want, the way I want, without having to put effort in first?

Well, there is. They are called sex workers or Pro Dommes aka service tops. But when you suggest this, instead of seeing it as the solution they are looking for, they behave as if they are insulted that someone would suggest that. I mean, is it too much to ask for a strange woman to take on all that time, effort and labour for a strange man for free?! What is this world coming to?! I bet if you asked these same men to do free labour for a strange woman with no possibility of getting anything in return, they would have something different to say about that.

A proper D/s dynamic is going to take time. First, time to vet each other and get to know each other. Are you compatible in what you want and are looking for? Wasting time trying to shove a square peg into a round hole will only lead to frustration. Do you like each other’s personalities?

Why did you try and engage her? Again, as touched on earlier, no woman is going to respond well to someone looking for ANYONE to do the things. One of the first things I generally ask is ‘why did you decide to message me, specifically?’ If they don’t have a logical answer for that, I am done.

Do you both have the same end goal in mind? Is there chemistry? Do you like talking to this person? Do your limits and kinks align- which of course should be explored but it’s only a tiny piece of a very big puzzle.

Then there has to be a period of trust building, on both ends. Start out slow, make sure there is good communication…I know none of this sounds like the super sexy kinky stuff but in reality, this is what leads to it with most women. This is all stuff that takes time and can’t be rushed, if you want her to actually desire to dominate you. And when she does start to take control, it will be bit by bit generally. Everything takes time.

So the best advice I have for males seeking Dommes is:

• First, make sure you are submissive and not a bottom, if you are unsure, read ARE YOU SUBMISSIVE OR A BOTTOM
• If you are a bottom, look for a top, not a Domme and adjust your expectations.
• If you are a submissive, look for a dominant woman you would be interested in being dominated by, not just any Domme.
• Regardless of what type of relationship you have, at some level it’s a relationship and she is a whole person, not just a kink dispenser. Get to know her slowly, building up trust and communication before you start expecting her to have the desire to dominate you.
• If you don’t want to do that, pay for a Pro and go that route.
• If you don’t want to do either, then you can live in the male fantasy of female dominance, while never enjoying the reality…