https://fetlife.com/Italian_Domina/posts/10918260

One of the things I see online is new males, confusing submission with bottoming. I suspect some newer female bottoms may do this also, but from what I have seen it’s mostly the guys. I have talked about this in a couple of my other writings, briefly, but it is such a common mix up that I thought maybe a more in depth explanation would be helpful.

Domination and Submission are about power and authority. Top and Bottom is about physical action.

The Dom/me is the person that has power/control/authority in a relationship with a submissive that has given that up to them.

A Top is a person that performs an action on a Bottom – who, obviously, receives the action. There is no exchange of power or authority outside the scene.

Submission is about submitting to the will of another. It isn’t about any specific acts. It’s about giving control up (how much and which parts of your life will vary from relationship to relationship), and being of service to a dominant. The submissive gives up power, control and authority to their Dominant.

Bottoming is wanting kinky things done to you. I see a lot of posts from men saying they are seeking a Domme for facesitting, pegging or CBT, for example. But if that is all they want, it is not a Domme they seek. None of these things benefit her, unless she has the desire to do them to that particular person. If this is you, you are looking for a Top, not a Domme.

If you are submissive, your main focus is going to be the pleasure of your Master/Mistress. This can include unlimited things from running errands, doing chores, providing body services, suffering for their pleasure, providing entertainment, the list is truly endless. You are going to want to defer to them to look for guidance, make decisions, ask permission for things, all within the agreement of your dynamic. If none of this stuff appeals to you, you are not submissive.

As a bit of a side note, I will add that this confusion is one of the things that scammers grab onto. They see a guy saying he wants a Mistress to peg him, for example…and latch onto that desire, saying they wish to perform such an act, but act like they shouldn’t be questioned etc…

In the hopes of getting his fetish filled, he loses track of his common sense and follows right into the trap.

Dommes do not behave like this. No woman behaves like this. Women, dominant or not, are not interested in fulfilling a strange man’s sexual desires unless there is something in it for them.

I know it is hard for some men to fathom, but the vast majority of women do not desire or engage in casual sex, because it does nothing for us.

If a woman, any woman, comes at you, acting like they want to indulge you in your fantasies, without knowing you…they are looking for a customer, at best, or worse, a mark to scam.

Let me close this by saying…there is NOTHING wrong with being a bottom. Just make sure you are straight up about that and don’t search for a lifestyle Mistress. Look for a bedroom top.

As men have said they are digging through the haystack to find the few real women among OF girls or scammers, Dommes are looking through an ocean full of bottoms, looking for the truly submissive men.

You save both yourself and those Dommes time and effort by figuring out where you fit in.